I'm Not Gay, Lesbian, or Bi, But..
The Way We Talk About Gay Rights and Why It Matters
Many people are openly gay-friendly but continue to express themselves in ways that are subtly or not so subtly anti-gay. Is our language tacitly homophobic?
How many times have you heard someone preface a discussion about gay rights with the words, “I’m not gay, but...”? This statement and variations of it abound, and not only from the homophobic. Staunch supporters of gay, bisexual and lesbian rights have been known to distance themselves from the debate by reminding their audience that they’re “not gay, but...” Despite the awkwardness of correcting people, creating awareness of the language we use can be a major step toward eliminating hidden prejudice.
I’m Not Gay, But...
Why do they do it?
Most journalists wouldn’t start a column about the upswing in diabetes by proclaiming that they’re not diabetic themselves. Nor would you be likely to thank a friend for a gift of cut flowers by saying, “I’m not a gardener, but these are lovely!” So why do so many people feel compelled to begin a discussion of gay rights defensively, by saying, “I’m not gay, but...”?
On the one hand, the desire to be forthright is completely understandable. For all that homosexuality is a social issue, it is also an immensely personal one. Honesty might seem to demand that a person assert their relationship to the debate before expressing an opinion on gay and lesbian rights. “I’m gay” gives different perspective to a discussion than “I’m straight and I support gay issues.”
However, in many circumstances, there is such a thing as too much honesty. That line is, occasionally, very clearly drawn. People who preface any comment supporting gay/lesbian rights with the statement “I’m not gay” are presenting a defensive face to the debate - and hiding from their fear of people’s assumptions behind a shield of heterosexuality.
Assumptions
It’s a judgmental world, and recent outspokenness about the issues has brought gays, lesbians, and those who identify as bisexuals, transgendered, queer or questioning into the spotlight. Those who speak up about the issues often find that assumptions are made or that their sexuality is questioned.
Two women standing together wearing short, spiked haircuts or with unshorn underarm hair will often be mistaken for lesbians with no other rationale than their style of dress. Likewise any woman - or man - who is outspoken or who writes about gay or feminist issues.
Nevertheless, it seems dangerously close to homophobia when heterosexuals speaking on gay issues try to buffer themselves from assumptions by prefacing statements with, “I’m not gay, but...”
Why remind people (who may or may not be wondering) that you’re not gay?
- Honesty
- An attempt to give an argument more objective credibility
- Expressing a respectful distance so as not to seem to “claim” other people’s issues
- Fear of social stigma if people mistakenly believe that you’re gay
- Fear concerning a job and biased hiring procedures
- A desire to be listened to as a “straight” person, and not “one of them”
- Subtle (often hidden or suppressed) homophobia
Language is for Clarity... Isn’t It?
A news reporter wouldn’t preface a discussion of summer cottage traffic by emphasizing that they don’t own a cottage. Yet gay rights seems to attract this kind of distinction.
Sometimes there is a meaningful difference between a rights crusader who is gay, and a person who is simply standing up for others’ rights because they believe it’s the right thing to do. And sometimes, the distinction doesn’t need to be made.
Thoughts? Want to express your opinion on this article or other gay-rights-related language issues? Please drop by the discussion here.
